I Wash My Hands of This

You know, I don't get guys. Actually, I should call them boys. They don't act their chronological age.

Yesterday, I have dealt with the loss of two guys in my life. One was a guy that I thought I would eventually marry that I have been with for almost six years. I basically grew up with him. We fell apart. He was straying, as was I. We were having so many issues. We are now at the point that I have no trust in him. One major reason would be the accusations he has made about me being an alcoholic (which I certainly am not) to my family. This has caused a lot of stress with my relationship with my family.

The other was my first love. I thought he was amazing. We didn't talk for a number of years because of a major fallout and I thought that we would get back together. I started sleeping with him because I thought something was happening between us. I was so wrong. He called me last night and basically tried to prostitute me to someone. He demonstrated the lack of respect and caring I thought he had for me.

I'm admittedly devastated by the loss of these two guys. The first one I still care about in some ways, the other one for about the same reason. I think my attachment to the second one is a complicated mess of imagination, wishful thinking, new love, etc. I hate it.

I was thinking about how in the Bible at the trial of Jesus, Pontius Pilate tried to save Jesus from the crowd. They wanted to see his blood spilled, so Pilate publicly washed his hands of the situation. That imagery has stuck in my head today. I feel spiteful, angry, hostile toward these two and the situation. However, I have decided that maybe this image is a strong presence in my thoughts for a reason. Maybe I need to wash my hands of all this crap.

My friend deleted both of their numbers with me last night. She said that I need to get rid of the bad. She's right. Her boyfriend is right by saying they're douche bags. I don't deserve this. I have put myself on the line with both of these guys, both as a lover and as a friend. I have been burned by both in so many ways. The first one I have hurt deeply as well, but I think we can't even salvage the friendship with both had. There's too much hurt. The second one, however, I will never have anything to do with, even though the concept is so difficult to execute. I think the only way I could get back at him is to show how happy I am in comparison to what he could ever be.

I need to be done with all this. I wish that writing this blog could absolve me of all the feelings, but all I can say is what I'm saying, cope with the continuous bubbling of feelings, and mourn the loss.

My friend keeps asking me if I'm sad. Yes, I am. I feel abandoned, even though I am abandoning them. They did it first though. I feel like I was betrayed, taken advantage of, mistreated. Yes, I'm sad and I'm angry and I feel a little vindictive and and and.

I hope not to cry over this because it would be a waste, but I still plan on mourning this loss. However, I have ultimately washed my hands of this.